Lord, Help me I pray.

I don't even know where to begin and truth be told, I don't even want to say what's on my heart.  Because, I know how easily words can get twisted, because I have heard the words "Keep your chin up" often, because I know that I'm supposed to be positive.  


But, right now, I am struggling, because I HURT, emotionally I'm a wreck and physically, I'm a mess too.  I have shed many tears this past week and if my body weren't hurting from head to toe, I'd probably scream in a pillow.  Yeah, but, you host a radio show, don't you?  Aren't you supposed to have it all 'together'?  You travel around and perform with your family in Churches, what do you mean you're emotionally struggling right now?

In an effort to be honest I am posting this and it is my hope that in being vulnerable, others will know they are not alone.  For people to see that there are Christians who struggle with pain and suffering and sometimes even doubt that God cares and yet still cling to their faith, in the end, I think can bring healing.  It can draw people together and move us to change.

Right now, my mind is filled with finding jobs, paying bills and getting back into the rhythm of the busy month of September.  Physically, I have been hit with several viruses at once and I've pretty much been in bed for over a week.  That hasn't helped with the concern about jobs either and it hasn't helped my mood.

Yesterday I read through the book of Esther in the Bible again.  I am continually moved by her triumph when she was struggling and by her courage under intense pressure.  The Bible doesn't go into details about how she felt, but, I can wonder.  It says in Esther chapter four, that she told Mordecai to pray for her before she went before the King. What was going through her mind when she was fasting and praying for three days?  She COULD have lost her life.  Was she scared during those three days?  Were her knees shaking as she stood before the King?  Yet, she was faithful and did what was asked of her.  Her story is one of such courage, of her being in a position she never asked for and yet being faithful through it all.

As I read through the pages, my mind wandered to different friends and family members who are hurting.  I've got friends who are struggling with cancer, others who have injuries that aren't healing easily.  Some with family problems and business losses and a few are dealing with tremendous pain because of a death in the family.  As I thought of each one, I prayed and I committed to praying for them more often.  

I also started thinking about us, as believers and about how we talk through pain and suffering.  You see, as much as we want to be happy, pain is a part of life.  It happens because we live in a fallen and hurting world.

Now, please don't misunderstand me.  I am NOT trying to be negative and focus ONLY on pain and suffering.  Each and every day, I have gratitude and I am do my best to be thankful.  I have a wonderful husband and two amazing and incredible children.  I thank God repeatedly for my home.  I have lists that I have written out about how God has provided us with everything we have.  I look at the blue sky and love watching it change into a wealth of colours during the sunsets.  Each day, I still get out of bed, even when I'd rather stay there and cry.  I also know that there are hurting people everywhere around me and at the moment, I am a hurting person.  Does me hurting mean that I have lost my faith?  Of course not.  Does it mean that I am NOT grateful for what I have?  Of course not.  

What it does mean is that I need space to be hurt and also time to heal.  For some, they bounce back quickly and it has reminded me of when I had my wisdom teeth out.  This was maybe close to 25 years ago when I had them pulled out.  I ended up with swollen chipmunk cheeks and bruises.  I still remember going to a restaurant and falling asleep beside my mom about a week afterwards because I was on such strong pain killers.  I was off work for over two weeks and could barely talk.  I remember a few months later, one of my friends having her wisdom teeth out too.  She had a bit of a headache after her surgery, so went home, had a nap and then was also able to go and eat a steak dinner that night.  She bounced back much quicker than I did and in fact, everyone had a good laugh at how shocked I was at her quick healing! 

Now, we can apply this analogy to emotions.  So often, we expect everyone to deal with emotional pain the same way and yet we're not all the same.  Some people bounce back from trauma or hurts quickly, while others need more care and attention.  We don't expect all people to recover from an illness at the same pace, so why should emotional set backs be any different? 

As I write this, I am nervous, and I've actually erased the last three sentences I've written several times because, I know that there are many of you who will think I'm condoning wallowing, or that I'm just saying it's okay to 'feel sorry for yourself' and that's not my intent.  Really, it's not.  

What I hope and what my goal is that for you, the reader to realize that sometimes people have such deep wounds, that they need time to process their hurts.  They may need to do more than put a small bandage on their cuts.  Some wounds need stitches and time to heal.  Some may leave lingering affects that cause pain for a long, long time. 

I know that there are those who aren't recovering as quickly as we'd like to see and others who have injuries that keep reopening.  But, as Christians, we are to LOVE and show grace and mercy, as Christ does.  

So, as you read this, please think back to a time when you had a physical wound that took a while to heal.  Or, to a time when you were sick and it took you longer than you thought to get back to your routine.  Think of that the next time you see someone crying or who is hurting and allow that to motivate you to pray for him or her.  Let's have a goal, to be moved to compassion towards those who are hurting :).

In Him, 

Virginia




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